I believe in Fate.
I never really thought about why I believe in Fate, though. I feel like it was just something that’s always been there- in my heart. This certainty that things that are meant to happen will happen.
It’s interesting though because if I believe in Fate so much, one would think that I would’ve handled disappointments a lot better growing up. But I was awful – I had tantrums and fell into depressions and got angry and cried and screamed a lot.
I did not handle disappointment well at all.
I’m better now. Now I feel like I can accept the possibility of not getting what I want all the time. I prepare myself for that feeling every time I try to achieve something.
But if I’m being totally honest – that just means I’m not really believing in myself. I’m not really going after what I want. And…I’m not really allowing myself to truly want anything.
And when things don’t go my way I simply say, “Well, I guess it wasn’t in the cards.”
I can blame Fate for my not getting a job or for losing a job or for not getting an audition or a writing assignment…or an agent for that matter. It’s Fate’s fault. I’m not in control here…
Somewhere along the line I climbed into the passenger seat and didn’t bother trying to control my own destiny. I simply stopped trying…too afraid of failure and heartache and disappointment, I guess.
It just got to be too hard. And it was so much easier to be passive and let Fate take over. Which sucks because I’d like to feel like I have a little more power- control- influence – in my own life.
And do I really have to believe in one thing or the other?
Couldn’t I be the type of person who believes she’s in control of her own destiny but also believes that everything happens for a reason?
Or is that just me being lazy and incapable of standing for something?