Pancakes from Scratch!

I guess being in London has brought out my adventurous side.

I got up this morning and made pancakes from scratch.  And they totally tasted amazing!

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Back home I rarely made pancakes and when I did I used the pancake mix.  I never made anything from scratch.  Occasionally I would try a new recipe here and there.  Once or twice I made flourless banana pancakes which came out OK.  But this is the first time I actually felt like making something from scratch.  This was the first time I ever made pancakes without using the the pancake mix that you can buy at the grocery store.  I know there are some chefs or home cooks out there rolling their eyes like, “what? pancake mix? how barbaric!” but what can I say, I liked my instant pancakes as a kid.

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Anyway, I had a nice yummy breakfast of pancakes and sausage.  The Brits over here would be grossed out by the combination but I’m sure most of you Americans know what I’m talking about.

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Pancakes and sausage, baby!  Yum!

Back In London

Things are falling into place already.  

I have a sneaking suspicion that I live in close proximity to one of my favorite UK Youtubers and so far the weather has been perfect!  The past couple of days have required no coats – maybe a light jacket or sweater – and there’s be sunshine.  I love it.  I know it won’t last but I love it.

I’ve already managed to attend a lecture at Birbeck University as part of the Black History Month celebration thanks to an invite from a UK naturalista with whom I’ve developed a friendship (Hey Sian!).  I love that Black History Month is celebrated in October over here.  It’s a nice change though I do still plan to celebrate it again in February.  Why shouldn’t we have two months?  Hmmm?

In the next couple of weeks I hope to attend more natural hair events as well as some blogger events.  I’m just jumping in feet first I guess.  Don’t want to waste any time.  I want to enjoy as much of London as I can.  Please follow my Youtube channel as I will be vlogging about my life here in addition to my regular advice, comedy and beauty videos.

In other news, I’m still feeling a bit jetlagged.  I’ve not been sleeping well at all.  For instance, today I woke up at 5am and for the life of me could not get back to sleep.  Yesterday I was up at 7am.  Unheard of.  Unheard of.

I feel a bit homesick, to be honest.  I know it’s only been three days (and I’ve got many more days to get through – classes haven’t even begun yet!) but already I find myself thinking about specific things I used to do in Los Angeles and kind of missing them.  To be clear, I’m missing specific parts of my life as it existed in LA.  I’m not necessarily missing LA.  I think it’s because I didn’t give LA a proper goodbye.  Instead I sort of quietly exited stage right.  Maybe I did that wrong.  Maybe I would have closure had I left LA in traditional Dawn Style – with a party.

It’s OK though.  In my own way I did say goodbye through a series of Youtube videos I’ve affectionately titled “Letters to Target”  I had to quickly come to terms with the fact that there are no Targets in London.  I’m already not really a fan of Boots.  But I am checking out some other spots where I might be able to get the products that I need.  Anyway, the “Letters to Target” series features one minute videos in which I prepare to leave LA and let go of what is familiar.

Watch the first 4 Letters here:

There may be one or two more Letters to come.

So please stay tuned!

Common Black Girl | Common White Girl Tag

In lieu of doing two separate videos for these tags I just thought I’d combine them into one.

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And don’t forget to share!

Former Sidekick Girl Preview

I had this post scheduled on my new blog for next month but I felt it necessary to post now.  So here’s a preview of what I’ll be writing about on That Former Sidekick Girl.  Blog launches August 3rd!  Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss my weekly posts!

“Don’t Be Someone’s Muscle”

Remember those mean girl movies like Jawbreaker and Heathers?  Or pretty much any movie where there was a mean girl and her two (usually ethnic looking) sidekicks?  I would watch those movies as a kid and think that if those sidekicks weren’t standing right there this little mean girl wouldn’t have so much mouth.  She wouldn’t act all tough and think she could get away with doing terrible things.

The truth is this mean girl secretly needed to be flanked by her sidekicks to feel tough. She needed to send her cronies or sidekicks or “muscle” out to do her dirty work.  She didn’t want to get her hands dirty or face the consequences of her actions so she encouraged her friends to rally in her defense.

But here’s the thing- why would you take on someone else’s battle?  Why would you decide to take on someone else’s adversary?  Don’t you have your own battles and adversaries to overcome? 

Another important question that comes to mind is…. Why doesn’t this person deal with her own problems herself?  Why did she choose you to deal with them?  What kind of friend puts their issues into someone else’s hands?

And so that we don’t play the blame game let me also ask why would you oblige this friend?  Why would you do this person’s bidding?  Do you want to be her sidekick?  Do you really want to put yourself in that category?  Do you really want her to think of you as the person she could turn to to handle her drama?

No.  You don’t.  You’re no one’s backup or sidekick or muscle.  You’re better than that. 

Sure you want to be a good friend and show support to your friend.  But show your support by encouraging her to handle her drama like a mature adult not by sending you out to try to intimidate someone on social media.  That’s the kind of cyber bullying we are cracking down on.  (And if you think I’m going to stand for it for even a second you’ve got the wrong one.)

I used to be that girl.  I’d jump into my friends’ battles and run off at the mouth like nobody’s business.  I was that loud, obnoxious, stereotypical “black best friend.” Even though I made unnecessary enemies I thought it was worth it because I foolishly believed that when something happened to me my friends would stand up for me.  They’d support me.

They never did.  Not once.  On more than one occasion I found myself in trouble and in need of support and those friends were nowhere to be found.  That’s when I realized there was something very wrong with those relationships.

The friends I have now don’t step in and fight my battles for me. In the past I’d wish they would.  Then I’d feel supported or protected.  Maybe then people wouldn’t think they could mess with me if they knew I had backup who would retaliate.  But one thing I noticed about my friends now is they aren’t about that life.  When something bad happens to me they uplift me, encourage me, comfort me.  They remind me to focus on the bigger picture and help me not to let my emotions get out of control. 

Now I realize these are my true friends. They really care about my well-being.  Because when you think about it…once the emotions get out of the way the drama no longer has any power.

When I was running around with the wrong friends they wanted to see that drama.  They wanted to be entertained.

But I’m nobody’s court jester.  And I deserve to be taken seriously.  Like a person.  Not like this person you can send into the fray when you’ve got drama.

Take a close look at your friends.  Take notice of what they ask of you and what they use you for. If you find you’re being used to fight someone’s battles (either verbally or physically or through social media) put a stop to it. Think for yourself. Don’t be anybody’s TOOL.

Go Be Happy.  Now.
That Former Sidekick Girl

In response to Ma Cherie Amiee’s post

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http://thatformersidekickgirl.com

A few days ago I sent a group email to some friends/people that I know and asked them to check out That Former Sidekick Girl’s Code of Conduct on my new blog that’s launching August 3.  I really do appreciate the people who did check it out and offered feedback.

Anyway, I happened to find the blog of one of my email recipient’s and I was shocked to see she’d written a blog post about sidekick girls!

“Sidekick mentalities vs Real Women & Boss Babes – Let that sh*t Go!”

It was a blog post basically bashing sidekick girls.  It suggested that anyone with sidekick girl mentality isn’t a real woman or a boss babe.  The blog tried to disguise itself as a positive, uplifting post but really it was a dig – at me.

I could just imagine this girl writing her post in her apartment – fueled by white wine and brie cheese – venting and stewing about the upcoming launch of That Former Sidekick Girl.  I can only assume that her strong reaction to the launch of my blog was due to the fact that she thought my blog had something to do with her – which is only something a narcissistic LA actress would think.  If I wasn’t so busy being angry at her nerve, gall and audacity I would have laughed at her silliness.

Don’t ever be self labeling as Sidekick girls since You alone are writing your own Biopic every single day. It all starts with YOU, and You alone. Don’t like something? Own your power and change it! Don’t put blame on others because life isn’t going the way you planned – fix your own bullshit and move it out of your way that you’ve allowed to limit yourself

When I first read the post  I was incensed.  I wanted to explode – I felt like this former friend of mine hadn’t really taken the time to read my Former Sidekick Girl’s Code of Conduct.  I was also hurt because I’d sent her the email asking her to support the blog for the launch.  I know I’m a ballsy girl and I’m pretty direct with people but not even I would send someone a direct link to my blog knowing it was  going to be about that person and would probably piss her off.  I’m not in that vindictive place anymore – ain’t nobody got time for that.  I had nothing to hide when I sent the email.  But somehow, this girl got it into her head that I was launching a whole new blog that would focus on her and our failed friendship.  Craziness.  I’m still bemused by it.

So after venting about it on Twitter and Facebook (and sending her a direct email telling her it would’ve been more “real woman” of her to talk to me directly instead of hiding behind her blog post) I went to bed.  When I woke up this morning I was still pissed off.  I think it was pretty messed up for someone I know personally to write such a harsh blog post about me and then tag my old web series “Lila, Long Distance” and “Side Kick Girls” in it – I guess in an attempt to really drive home the point that this blog post was about me (can we say High school?  Doesn’t feel really Boss Babe to me.  Feels childish).  But after making some tea and preparing to put a couple more hours of work into my new blog I had a moment of clarity.

This new blogger and I had once been in a very complicated, uneven friendship that ultimately I walked away from.  But not before subjecting her to my wide array of insecure, jealous bs I would later come to regret.  I’m not saying that it was all my fault – I am saying that I remember being a jealous person and verbally lashing out at her whenever my jealousy got the better of me.  To this day I feel guilty about some of the things I’d said to her.  Because that’s not the person I wanted to be.  I didn’t want to be a jealous girl.  I have since apologized for my behavior (I got no apology in return but that’s OK I didn’t need it) and I’ve been working to move on with my life and work on myself.  Not only have I tried to release any residual bitterness I may have still had for this former friend but I also supported her latest business endeavor by attending her party/business pitch for a makeup company.  My other friends were surprised that I would bother supporting her but I was still feeling guilty and wanting to make amends – so I went.

But after reading this blog post I can now let go of my guilt.  I can finally forgive myself for my past behavior where this friendship is concerned. I’m glad she wrote the post and said her true feelings.  In a way, her blog post is like an open letter to me.  And sometimes you need to write an open letter to the people who have hurt you or pissed you off – especially if you can’t face them directly.  I know it’s the way I feel about my past bullies and the person who physically assaulted me.  So I get it.  I totally accept this blog post and I appreciate this blogger for expressing her thoughts and getting them out there.

It’s not going to stop me from launching That Former Sidekick Girl on Sunday, August 3rd.  In fact, this whole situation has lit a fire under me and now I’m even more determined to make this new blog a success. Because when I first created Side Kick Girls the web series it was a silly comedy about a group of jealous, ugly girls who hatched a plan to take down the ‘It girls.’ It was my way of laughing at my own situation.  This blogger was actually on set when I shot this web series – she was part of the crew.  And when we talked about where the idea stemmed from she understood I meant no animosity toward her.

Since then Side Kick Girls the web series garnered some interest from some industry people who wanted to turn it into a TV show.  The idea started to take shape and formed into something entirely different.  The focus was more about friendship then it was about being jealous or exacting revenge.  It had a more positive and hopeful tone.  Nothing happened with the TV show but Sidekick Girls never left my mind.  I was going through a transition – spiritually, mentally, physically.  It was painful and I was going through it entirely alone.

Now that I’m finally getting clarity and starting to understand my past behavior I want to bring Sidekick Girls back in the form of a blog.  I want to connect with other people who’ve felt like the sidekick all their lives and who want to do something about that. This blog isn’t about my former friend or about anyone in particular.  So I hope that other people who I’ve encountered in life can get that in their heads right now.

Once again I want to thank Ma Cherie Amiee for writing down her thoughts and expressing them.  I hope she can heal and move on from whatever pain I caused her in the past. I also hope that when That Former Sidekick Girl launches on Sunday, August 3 – she’ll take the time to actually read it and understand how, in a way, this blog is for her as well.

How To Feel Better

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…a Former Sidekick Girl does not ask permission…

Yesterday was pretty rough- one of my low energy sad type of days.

I hate days like this.  I wake up and I know it’s going to be a bad day.  This cloud of doom settles over me, my heart sags and I can barely move.

It’s depression.

I’ve danced around this for years but I don’t think I’ve ever actually come out and said it but I struggle with depression.  I have struggled with depression for a long time.

Sometimes it’ll go away for weeks or months and I’ll think “I’m cured!”  But then it comes back and I know that I have to battle it all over again.  Today it came back with such force that it felt like there was no way to win. The fact that I haven’t slept in two days due to the excruciating pain in my tooth probably had a lot to do with it.  There was just no escaping the pain and when I feel pain I cry – simple as that.

But the difference between how I handled my depression a few years ago and how I handle it now is that I’m better at pushing through it.

I don’t just give up, crawl back into bed and take a ‘mental health day’ anymore. I get up, get active and choose to be happy instead. Today I made myself hang out at Barnes, drink iced tea, read books and work on my new blog.  When I got back home I decided to get creative and make a couple of Vine videos and wouldn’t you know it, I felt better.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

So if you’re like me, battling depression or just having a bad day – don’t let your day go to waste.  Get out of bed, get dressed, put on makeup, get out of the house, blast music, make some Vine videos, laugh, workout, treat yourself to an ice cream…or simply jump up and down for five minutes.

Don’t let the sadness win.  Save your ‘mental health days’ for when you’re going to the beach or sneaking off to an afternoon movie.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmingly depressed and having thoughts of suicide you should seek professional help.  At least pick up the phone and reach out to a friend.  Don’t go through those dark moments alone.  Asking for help does not make you weak…you can still be a strong (Black) woman even if you’re sad or in need of help.

I mentioned earlier in this post that I worked on my new blog.

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It’s the official blog for That Former Sidekick Girl.  It launches August 4 and right away I want to do my first ever Giveaway!

Be sure and subscribe to That Former Sidekick Girl, Follow me on IG, Twitter and on my Youtube Channel for details.

Remember- you can choose happiness. Even if you have to fake it until you really feel it. Fake it til you feel it!

Go Be Happy.  Now.

Abysmal Casting Call for N.W.A. Biopic – Duly Noted

Universal Pictures I was so excited when I heard there was an N.W.A. biopic in the works.  Universal Picture’s Straight Outta Compton is set to release next year.  Oh joy!  A film that’s going to feature a lot of Black people – yeah that made my day.  I was all set to pencil in movie night for its opening weekend- maybe even audition for a role, hell, why not?  But then I saw the casting notice:

SAG OR NON UNION CASTING NOTICE FOR FEMALES-ALL ETHNICITIES- from the late 80’s. Shoots on “Straight Outta Compton”. Shoot date TBD. We are pulling photos for the director of featured extras. VERY IMPORTANT – You MUST live in the Los Angeles area (Orange County is fine too) to work on this show. DO NOT SUBMIT if you live out of the area. Nobody is going to be flying into LA to do extra work on this show – and don’t tell me you are willing to fly in.

SAG OR NON UNION FEMALES – PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR SPECIFIC BREAKDOWN. DO NOT EMAIL IN FOR MORE THAN ONE CATEGORY:

A GIRLS: These are the hottest of the hottest. Models. MUST have real hair – no extensions, very classy looking, great bodies. You can be black, white, asian, hispanic, mid eastern, or mixed race too. Age 18-30. Please email a current color photo, your name, Union status, height/weight, age, city in which you live and phone number to: SandeAlessiCasting@gmail.com subject line should read: A GIRLS

B GIRLS: These are fine girls, long natural hair, really nice bodies. Small waists, nice hips. You should be light-skinned. Beyonce is a prototype here. Age 18-30. Please email a current color photo, your name, Union status, height/weight, age, city in which you live and phone number to: SandeAlessiCasting@gmail.com subject line should read: B GIRLS

C GIRLS: These are African American girls, medium to light skinned with a weave. Age 18-30. Please email a current color photo, your name, Union status, height/weight, age, city in which you live and phone number to: SandeAlessiCasting@gmail.com subject line should read: C GIRLS

D GIRLS: These are African American girls. Poor, not in good shape. Medium to dark skin tone. Character types. Age 18-30. Please email a current color photo, your name, Union status, height/weight, age, city in which you live and phone number to: SandeAlessiCasting@gmail.com subject line should read: D GIRLS

Let’s not pretend it didn’t happen or refrain from commenting on it just because Sande Alessi took the disgusting casting notice off their Facebook page – oh no, we saw it.  Thank you Gawker.  Thank you Shadow and Act.

I believe we should definitely continue to document all of these horrible moments when beautiful Black women are reminded of just how little Hollywood (and I suppose the casting directors and assistants…??) really think of us.

Even though I’m not surprised by it – I’m still disappointed.  I feel sorry for these people who are just so clueless and so ridiculously shortsighted.  I’m glad Black people are getting work for this new project but it’s unfortunate because if this casting notice is any indication, dark Black women will be depicted negatively in this film and light skin Black women (the Beyonce standard, ahem- I seriously almost spit out my tea when I read that b.s.) – will be cast in a more favorable light.  Gee, thanks Hollywood.  A healthy portion of reinforced racial stereotypes is just what I needed for breakfast this morning.

My stomach is in knots.  And yet…and yet…someone has to play those roles.  Someone needs a job.  Those women will bite their tongues and hope that by getting through the project – getting paid- it’ll pave a way to better roles.

Hmmm, maybe it will.  But at what cost?

It’s 2014.  Why are we still reading casting notices that seem like they’re from the 80s and 90s?  Surely the same people who worked in casting can’t be writing these notices.  A new generation had to have come up by now which means…oh no…Racism 101 is still part of the curriculum.  It further saddens me to know that there are obviously Black men involved in the making of this film and yet…somehow this casting notice happened.  I’m not saying this to be true about all Black men across the board – some of ya’ll really do defend us sistas and I love you for it.  But in this case – I’d like to see little more indignation from some more Black men and hear a little more chatter out there in left field.  This casting notice is an atrocity.

But rather than let this friendly reminder from Hollywood get me down I’m just going to make a note of it.  I’m not letting it ruin my day.

Nowadays it’s harder to make Black girls like me believe we’re not beautiful.  Because now we have groups, blogs, websites that are all about empowering us with or without our natural hair, regardless of our shapes and sizes and skin tones.  I engage and network with many of these other beautiful Black women who are involved with these organizations and because of that I continue to feel beautiful and confident.  I’m able to dismiss the notion that my dark skin is somehow a curse.  My dark skin is not a curse.  It’s a beautiful, mostly blemish-free Blessing.  So yeah, this little moment may sting a bit but it’s only furthering my own personal determination to continue to uplift beautiful, dark skin women.

It won’t always be like this.  One day, there will be a shift in power and Black women won’t be at the bottom.  I choose not to buy into the belief that this is ” just how it is in Hollywood” and there’s nothing that can be done about it.  It’s simply not true.  There is something that can be done about it and eventually we’ll actually get around to doing it.

So for now, let’s just make note of these little irritating, ignorant moments that try to bring us down and keep it moving.  As long as it’s documented we won’t forget.  We won’t forget any of it – not where rock & roll and rap came from (there’s no such thing as “white rap,” by the way, let’s just get over that right now OK, Iggy Azalea?  Thanks.) and we won’t forget that before White women finally realized that oil was good for the hair Black girls like me were being tormented in school whenever we deigned to rock a Black hairstyle or admit we we didn’t wash our hair everyday and that after washing we always oiled our scalps.

So obviously, at some point, they’ll catch on to how amazing Black women, DARK SKIN BLACK WOMEN, are.  It’s only a matter of time.

P.S.  I may be a D-CUP but I am not, nor will I ever be, a D GIRL.  Remember that.

Health Insurance | When It Rains It Pours

Or rather…when it rains and you’re poor because it doesn’t rain very often in Los Angeles but when it does it comes down on you like a tsunami.

I’m having a moment here folks – it’s an epic moment.  One of those ‘Aha’ and “ahhhwannadie’ moments rolled into one.

I’m losing my teeth.

Funny thing is I always prided myself on having super bright, white shiny teeth.  People were always complimenting me on my teeth.  They always said I had a nice smile.  And I loved it!  I loved getting compliments on my teeth.  Nothing wrong with admitting that.  I’m not ashamed.

When I first moved to LA and started my first day of musical theater school I approached one of the Orientation Leaders to ask a question and before I could utter a word he said, “You have some pretty teeth.”  Those were the first and last words he ever spoke to me.  He didn’t even answer my question!  But did I care?  No!  Because once again my pretty teeth had been validated.  Boom.  So yes, I’ve always taken pride in my teeth.  Besides my lips, my teeth were the only feature I ever really liked without much complaint.  I never even felt compelled to get braces because I liked my imperfect smile.

So you can imagine my devastation when after enduring a week of the most excruciating toothache followed by an emergency visit to the dentist I discovered that I needed a root canal…and an extraction.  EXTRACTION.  Meaning, there’s no saving the other tooth.  I asked the dentist twice just to be sure and he was adamant.  That tooth has got to go.  I’m about to have a gap, ya’ll.  There goes the only feature I ever truly really liked as is about myself.

And the real kicker is – my insurance does not cover it.  My insurance is laughing in my face right now.  My insurance has f*cking jokes right now – telling me they cover root canals on the front teeth but the side and back teeth (I don’t know the terminology.  Hey, I’m no dentist, use your imagination) as far as the side and back teeth are concerned my insurance says I can go f*ck myself.

Can I just say there’s simply no compassion left in the world.  I remember working in the financial aid office at NYU freshman year and sitting on the phone for long periods of time trying to help parents of prospective students find money to send their kids to school – because I cared.  And if I didn’t succeed I’d feel really bad. Like, to the point where I’d need to take a break – have a quick cry and say a Prayer for those people.  Because I knew how desperate I’d been to get out of my small town – away from home and in a (hopefully) more stable environment.  Had I not gotten away who knows what would’ve become of me.  Then there’s the psychic hotline where people would call in and tell me super personal things that would just send me over the edge.  I had compassion for people going through the fire.  When these dental assistants and dentists and insurance people talk to me – they are cold as ice.  Some of them are clearly bored.  One girl was practically laughing in my face (remind me never to go to any dentist offices on Wilshire Blvd. in the Beverly Hills area) and another girl would not make eye contact with me.  I’m not saying I’m better than anyone else because I showed compassion for people having a hard time but…yeah I’m better than you.

Again, indulge me while I have my little moment.  It’s what I do.  I write it out.  Have a quick cry.  Maybe workout for a bit then I go back and make a plan.  Because this terrible f*cking U.S. healthcare system may take my tooth but it damn sure won’t break my spirit.

Patricia Bright’s New Boobs | BritPopPrincess

Yes this blog post is about Patricia Bright from Youtube’s Britpopprincess. She got new boobs and many of her followers/fans/subscribers/stalkers have had a lot to say about it.

Patricia Bright is a super popular Nigerian Fashion and Beauty Blogger based in London.  You’ve probably heard of her and if you haven’t then you will.  Many people have actually been very supportive of her boob job simply saying things like “Do you, boo” or “She grown and it’s her money” and others have said she looks beautiful, which is true, she does look beautiful.  But there are other people who feel like Patricia is fake telling us to “embrace the body we have” but then turning around and getting a boob job.

Personally, I don’t care what she does with her body.  I’m actually more impressed with the fact that she was brave enough to undergo surgery in the first place.  I’m terribly afraid of surgery and anything hospital related so kudos to her for having the balls to do it. I agree that it is her body and her money and she can do whatever she wants. Honestly, I didn’t even notice the change until she posted the pic of her in a revealing halter top that showed a lot of cleavage and it was finally obvious that she’d gotten a boob job.  But prior to that I hadn’t noticed.  I don’t really go around checking out other women’s boobs unless their wearing a blouse I wish I could squeeze my own boobs into.

Having said all that…it is somewhat contradictory to post videos like:

And then go get a boob job.  It sends a mixed message to the younger teens who watch her videos and adore her. Admittedly, it also made a grown woman like me feel a little confused too.

As someone who developed early I’ve always had trouble finding blouses that I could actually button up without busting through.  I often fantasized about getting a breast reduction.  I don’t have back problems or anything due to my breast size, I just wanted to wear strappy dresses and mesh tops and blouses.  Aesthetically, I thought smaller boobs would suit me.  I don’t think the smaller boobed ladies out there really appreciate how lucky they are to have the freedom to go bra-less, wear bikinis that fit without having spillage, wear cute bras (because for some reason manufacturers only make DD and DDD bras in ‘ugly’), and find a simple blouse that actually buttoned up all the way.  On both sides there are drawbacks.  The grass is always greener I guess.  I mean, aside from just clothing I also got a lot of unwanted attention from boys at a young age.  People would tap on my boobs like they were  bongos or pretend to squeeze them or sometimes my guy friends would pull me into inappropriately long hugs just to cop a feel.  It made me feel cheap and disrespected but we can go into all that in another blog.  For a long time I really just wanted a breast reduction so that I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious.  I said if I ever got the money to I would.  In the meantime, I’m on a weight loss journey that will naturally reduce my size somewhat.  But I still give the side eye to the B and C cup ladies who can still leave something to the imagination.

I first stumbled onto Patricia Bright’s Youtube page about three years ago when I was working for a Youtube network.  I wasn’t into fashion and make up then so I don’t know why I kept watching Patricia’s videos.  Something about her just made me want to listen.  Back then she talked more about God and Prayer and family and Faith.  I enjoyed her look books and tutorials but it was the videos about her personal life that really drew me in.  As her channel grew, so did her success (she now gets sponsorship from a ton of different brands).

Patricia always talked about loving ourselves the way we are and working with what we got.  I was encouraged to start exploring make up after watching her videos.  I started to believe that I could be beautiful at my size, with my natural hair and with my 38DDs (G-cup in some stores).  Living in Los Angeles totally stripped me of any confidence I had in my looks but over the past three years, just watching Patricia’s videos helped me change my way of thinking.  I wasn’t giving the side eye to smaller boobed chicks anymore!  I was working with what I had and finally starting to feel confident again.

So I can understand why this recent change has caused such a stir amongst Patricia’s youtube subscribers and instagram followers.  I have to admit, I felt momentarily crestfallen.  I thought, “Oh.  It’s work with what you got until you can afford to change it,” (which opened up a whole other can of pain for me because really – I work in retail, when am I gonna be able to afford a breast reduction, lyposuction, butt implants, a nose job and to remove that annoying bunion?)  For a split second it was back to square one for me.

But then I started to think about the bigger picture and how Patricia Bright’s shiny ample-sized boobs are just a small part of what’s going on with the internet. 7 years ago YouTube was a great escape from the same lame crap in TV. Also it was our platform to express ourselves blah blah blah. Now its totally exclusive. Hollywood totally had its fingers in it. We cant escape commercials. Celebrities are doing web series. And body image has is an issue that’s transferred from movies, print and TV to our so-called safe haven. I thought the internet (specifically YouTube) was the answer to the Hollywood exclusivity problem. I was wrong. But that too is another blog post.

Anyway, one thing is for sure, Patricia (and Beautycrush who also recently got a boob job) are confirmation that getting sponsors is a really well-paid gig.  Patricia has been going on all sorts of amazing trips, she’s been encouraging her readers to enter competitions with major brands, some of her videos have product placements and she’s been featured in several magazines.  She’s doing well. Seeing her grow and change over the years has been pretty awesome and inspiring.  I want to see good things happen to her even though I don’t know her.  But changing her body makes me worry now about how Youtube is becoming like TV and Films where body image issues will again rear its ugly head. Yutubes biggest beauty gurus have gotten boob jobs.  Whether they like it or not, they are sending a message to their viewers.

I went to bed a little sad last night after reading Patricia Bright’s instagram post.  I was more annoyed with myself for caring so much.  I got into Youtube to be entertained not to actually be influenced by people I don’t know.  But ultimately that’s what happened.  I started to think of Patricia Bright as my “big sister” in a way and after seeing that post I started feeling insecure about my boobs again. I started thinking that they may be big but they don’t sit up pretty without a decent push up bra.  I had that ugly horrible moment of comparing myself to other people again.  It sucked.  It sucked that someone’s actions had such an affect on me. Truth Bomb: staying positive and confident is my daily struggle.

If you’re a Patricia Bright fan (fanatic) please keep reading before you get all defensive here.  I know it’s up to me to get over my own issues.  I know that Patricia Bright never officially came out and said she wanted to be a role model.  I know that at the end of the day, she hasn’t done anything wrong.  

But for every action there is a reaction.  It’s probably a good thing that I’ve had the reaction that I did toward Patricia Bright’s boob job because now I can reprogram my brain. I remember why I got into YouTube and can distance myself a little. I can be less obsessed with living life vicariously through Patricia Bright (because let’s face it, that’s what we’re all doing when we eagerly click on her videos salivating over her Primark and Top Shop Hauls and say “You’re so gorgeous!” over and over again after every instagram photo) and I can refocus my attention on own journey.

I have this bucket list I’m trying to get through.  I’m still on this (former) sidekick girl journey and I really have to stay vigilant about being positive and moving forward and not slipping back into old habits.  Habits like thinking I’m not pretty enough, or thin enough or have perky enough breasts…I can’t be that girl again.

I just want to reiterate that I am not judging Patricia and I don’t think she’s done anything wrong.  She’s a beautiful person and I’m really glad I found her Youtube channel.  What she said in her instagram post was so on point – Change Happens.

Yes.  It certainly does.

So why did I write this post about Patricia Bright’s boobs?  Because I wanted to.  Simple as that 🙂