I’m blasting Beyonce’s, “XO” as I’m writing this. It’s helping. A little.
Today was not a good day. Despite my morning Prayer I was not resilient today. I was not in high spirits. And I don’t feel like it’s Christmas Eve. It feels more like a random day in March than the Holiday Season. Cue the Debbie Downer music.
I’m struggling tonight. My inner critic is on a mission to break me tonight. She whispers, “You’re working in retail…you’re not a writer…you’re a failure,” and her voice is getting louder and louder and no matter how loud I blast Beyonce’s “XO” I can still hear her.
I know I’m just feeling tired. I worked a super long shift tonight (Yay for overtime thanks to last minute Christmas shoppers) and I’m feeling like even though I spent 11 hours of my day doing something…I have nothing to show for it. I pushed buttons, counted money and said Merry Christmas to people who were too distracted by the numbers on my cash register to even hear me. That’s how I spent my day. That’s why my inner critic is laughing at me tonight.
Ah but that’s not even why I’m feeling sorry for myself. Because feeling like a failure as a writer is nothing new to me at this point. It’s whatever. I thought I would’ve made it by now. I haven’t. Oh well.
It just sucks watching people I used to collaborate with move on without a backward glance. Start new writing teams. Develope ideas we originally started. My first reaction is be snarky about it – be a hater. But I suppress that. Because the whole reason I severed ties with so many people in 2013 was so that I could become a better person. So that I could look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I saw. Being angry about what they do now that they are no longer in my life would be counterproductive. And a waste of energy. So I suppress the snarky thoughts. I woo-sah through my jealousy.
I let go of the past and people who weren’t right for me but…the hurt still lingers.
And that’s the honest truth.
So how do I get into 2014 without bringing this hurt with me? I’m supposed to be looking forward to the New Year. I’m supposed to be getting my Resolutions ready. I’m supposed to be swearing off alcohol and junk food and finally finally finally losing that weight. I’m supposed to be getting ready for yet another reinvention. Instead I’m sitting here watching Youtube personalities put their seemingly awesome lives on the internet and I’m feeling a little green. I probably should not have gone on Youtube tonight even if it was to watch some of my favorite vloggers. Tonight they did not make me feel inspired. Tonight they made me feel…a bit useless.
Tomorrow will be better…but tonight I’m struggling and so I needed to vent about it. Because I really do want 2014 to be significantly better than 2013. I’ve done a lot in 2013. I won’t let my inner critic try to tell me I sat on my ass for 12 months. I did accomplish some things. One of them was being more consistent with my Blog and Youtube Channel.
But now what?
How can I improve on this in 2014? I can’t spend another year in Los Angeles doing the same thing and pretending like I’m actually getting somewhere in life. In fact, I can’t spend another year in Los Angeles – period.
It has to get better from here. It just has to. This is rock bottom. With no friends and no career and only my rinky dink vlog as my creative outlet- it really has to get better from here.
I guess I’m going to have to figure that out. Somehow.